Samos Stories, Underholdning

Steffen Hansen – Sex inde i centrum

Thomas Martin: ”Prøv lige at hør her… Prøv nu lige at hør her… Jeg betragter sådan set nutidens kvinder som selvstændige, tænkende og stærke individer. Ja, nærmest dominerende. Helt sikkert.”

Røde: ”Okay.”

Thomas Martin: ”Lige indtil de har min pik halvt nede i halsen.”

Røde: “Hahaha. Hvad mener du?”

Thomas Martin: “Jeg mener. Så er kampråbene sgu smidt ud af vinduet. For en gang skyld. Lige i den situation, eller når der skal løftes noget tungt.”

Steffen: ”Hmm. Så du kan faktisk bruge din penis som en slags stikkontakt?”

På Café Caféen viser den store viser lidt over lørdag eftermiddag. Thomas Martin kigger over på Steffen og tager en slurk af sin fadøl.

Thomas Martin: ”Ja, det kan de fleste penisser bruges som. Men med tiden mister penis, som oftest, styrken og hermed evnen til at tænde kontakten, om man vil. Til sidst er der ikke mere kraft tilbage og fissen vil lede efter en ny antænder.”

Røde: ”Hmm. Interessant.”

Steffen: ”Den har du tænkt over, den der.”

Thomas Martin: ”Ja, det er også derfor jeg ikke tror på ligestilling som “begreb”. Jeg tror på respekt kønnene imellem.

Røde: “Men du har jo ikke respekt for det modsatte køn.”

Thomas Martin: “Hehe. Nej. Men ligestilling er sgu en sløret fætter med høj hat, solbriller og trenchcoat.”

Steffen: ”Lol. Så vil man sige. Hvorfor er det ikke en sløret kusine med høje stilletter, læbestift og brede hofter? Eller. Smalle hofter. Nej, kvindelige hofter. Nej. Okay. Nu har jeg den. Høje stilletter, læbestift og hofter.”

Thomas Martin: “Well. There you have it.”

Steffen: ”Nå nå. Så du er simpelthen blevet en ‘ligestillingsdebattør’. Eller undskyld. ‘Respekt kønnene imellem’-debattør. Har du været på gaden og demonstreret?”

Røde: ”Men man kan jo sige, at du kæmper for ligestillingen, når du lader dig penetrere af kvinder?”

Thomas Martin: ”Haha, ja. Det kan man egentlig. Jeg lader mig sgu ikke penetrere, fordi det føles godt. Det er i den gode sags tjeneste. Men ja, Steff. Man kan godt sige, at jeg har været på gaden og kampråbe.”

Thomas Martin: I den gode sags tjeneste

Thomas Martin: ”Okay. Jeg var ude med hende her pigebarnet forleden. Rimelig standard. Vi fik et par omgange. Talte lidt om hendes arbejde. Talte lidt om mit arbejde. Hun var sød, charmerende osv. Gode inputs. Alt det der. Men efter et par timer spurgte jeg så direkte ind til, hvordan daten gik.”

Steffen: ”Argh. Lol.”

Thomas Martin: ”Ja, ret douchy. Hun svarede noget med, at det gik fint. Jeg var en sød fyr osv.”

Røde: ”Bollede du hende så?”

Thomas Martin: ”Hold nu kæft, Røde. Det er seriøst det her. Så sagde jeg til hende. ’Tak, du er også sød. Men jeg har ikke lyst til at se dig igen.’”

Steffen: ”Haha. Hvad?”

Thomas Martin: ”Hun så overrasket ud. Efter lidt brutal stilhed spurgte hun ’hvorfor?’ Jeg svarede koldt og kynisk ’Du har for små bryster’.”

Røde og Steffen kigger undrende på hinanden.

Steffen: ”What?”

Thomas Martin: ”Rolig nu. Så forklarede jeg hende, at jeg har en regel om, at jeg ikke dater kvinder med mindre end en B+ skål. ’Desværre. Beklager. Du klarede ikke cuttet’ sagde jeg. Noget i den dur.”

Røde: ”Hahaha. Hold nu kæft, gamle. Hvad sagde hun så?”

Thomas Martin: ”Hun spurgte hvordan kunne jeg finde på at afvise på det grundlag. Hvad bildte jeg mig ind. ’Det er fordi, jeg ikke kan se på dine billeder, hvor store dine bryster er. Jeg er jo nødt til at se dem i virkeligheden, før jeg kan dømme’ sagde jeg til hende.”

Steffen: ”Du er syg nok. Gik hun så? Det gjorde hun vel?”

Thomas Martin: ”Min samvittighed glattede situationen lidt ud. ’Misforstå mig ikke. Du har et flot ansigt, en god røv og en middel til over middel personlighed.’ Ej, okay. De sidste to ting sagde jeg ikke. Men jeg forsikrede hende, at det var mig der var noget galt med. Ikke hende. ’Jeg kan bare ikke tænde på én med små bryster. Så føler jeg mig mindre maskulin’.

Røde: ”Hvad! Fatter stadig ingenting? Du har jo aldrig været decideret patmand.”

Thomas Martin smiler.

Thomas Martin: ”Lidt patmand er man vel altid… Da hun skulle til at gå, bad jeg hende vente ‘lige et øjeblik’. Jeg undskyldte min opførsel og forklarede hende min dagsorden. At jeg havde oplevet, at et stort antal kvinder højdediskriminerede på dating apps. At hun endda selv havde skrevet, at man skulle være +180 for at date hende. Og det synes jeg ikke var i orden. Så kunne hun måske fortælle hendes veninder om det, og de kunne fortælle deres veninde om det. Hov hov. Sådan behandler man ikke en mand.”

Røde: ”Hold kæft, du er douche. Men du sagde ikke til hende, at du generelt er et svin overfor kvinder?”

Thomas Martin:”Nej. Det kom ikke på tale. Så blev hun lidt varm i kinderne. Hun indrømmede, at jeg havde en pointe. Men hun kan bare ikke tænde på en der er mindre end hende. ’Det giver mening’ sagde jeg. Jeg er jo høj.”

Steffen: ”Hvad skete der så?”

Thomas Martin: ”Jeg var ’the bigger man’. Tog hende med hjem og bollede hende.”

Steffen: ”Haha. Selvfølgelig. Lige i den situation har du det som en kvinde.”

Thomas Martin: ”Hvad mener du?”

Steffen: ”Jeg mener. Du skal aldrig jagte sex. Også selvom du, som i dette tilfælde, har fornærmet fissen. Den kommer bare krybende til dig. Mig og Røde kunne ikke lave sådan et nummer.”

Thomas Martin: ”Hmm. Du siger noget. Men de vil jo gerne fornærmes. Husk det! Hun kunne godt lide, at jeg var lidt flabet, sagde hun på vej hjem til mig. Det var maskulint, tilføjede hun. Ved I hvad det sjoveste var?”

Steffen: ”Øhh nej”

Thomas Martin: ”Hun skrev i sin profiltekst ’søger noget seriøst”

Steffen: ”Lol. Ja, hvad fanden er det for en tendens?”

Thomas Martin: ”Rolig nu. Det er kvind’sk for ’Hold jer væk, psykopater’.”

Mens de tre venner skåler i tre gyldne damer, ankommer manden, myten, legenden – Klaus Østlund.

Røde: ”Tænk hvis mænd fik opereret længere ben for at få mere fisse?”

Thomas Martin: ”Ja, hvorfor er det ikke en ting endnu? Det kunne du godt bruge, Østi. Globalt forstærker det din potentielle fissepulje med flere millioner pr. centimeter.”

Østi: ”Hva’?”

Røde:”Man kunne også bare være intet køn. Så er der ikke nogle regler. Eller hva’?”

Steffen: ”Jeg har ikke hjernekapacitet nok til at svare på det spørgsmål. Til gengæld har jeg en lille historie til jer.”

Steffen: En lille historie

Steffen: ”Jeg sad derhjemme her den anden dag…”

Østi: ”Skal vi ik’ ryge?”

Røde: ”Gamle. Nej, jeg gider ikke ryge nu. Om lidt.”

Steffen: ”Så tikker der et Tindermatch ind på telefonen. Jeg tjekker hurtigt, da jeg flere gange har opdaget, at mine matches sletter mig, inden jeg når at kigge.”

Thomas Martin: ”Det er også lovligt. At slette et match hurtigt. Man kan jo ha’ trykket forkert.”

Steffen: ”Bevares. Er det meste ikke lovligt derinde? Men det er nederen, når man lige har glædet sig til at studere sit match. Man har sikkert sat sig godt til rette med en kop te. Skal lige til at stalke hende på Facebook. Så er der ikke nogen, når man kigger. Man går i panik. Tjekker om det er nettets skyld. Men den er god nok. Du er blevet slettet. Vel og mærke uden megen betænkningstid. Der var slet ingen tvivl.”

Østi: ”Ej, der er da visse regler.”

Steffen: ”Ej, der er faktisk ikke nogen regler. Du kan gøre, hvad helvede du vil. Og hun kan gøre hvad helvede hun vil. Eller nej. Der er faktisk én regel. Forvent intet. Sørg for, at dine forventninger er så lave, at du umuligt kan blive skuffet. Forvent ikke, at de skriver igen. Forvent ikke at de møder op. Forvent ikke at hun ligner sig selv. Eller forvent at hun er tyk. Forvent ikke, at de betaler. Forvent ikke, at de vil kysse. Forvent ikke, at de vil videre, fordi I har kysset. Forvent ikke, at de vil kneppe, fordi de tager med videre på næste bar. Forvent ikke, at de vil ses igen, fordi I har kneppet.”

Steffen: ” Og de skal egentlig heller ikke forvente noget fra mig. Eller… Jeg er nok som regel nok med på den værste efter to stifter.”

Østi: ”Jeg går amok, hvis de ikke skriver tilbage.”

Thomas Martin: ”Og mest væsentligt. Forvent ikke, at de tager dig i røven.”

Steffen: ”Hehe. Men altså. Hende jeg matchede med var lækker. Faktisk ret lækker. 24 somre. Lyshåret. Gode former.

Røde: ”Patterne?”

Steffen: ”Relevant spørgsmål, gamle. Der var buler i trøjen. Bestemt. Små søde buler… Altså. Vi var ikke ude i deciderede altankasser.”

Røde: ”Uhm… Altankasserne. Er det egentlig nummeret over spande?”

Steffen: Hmm. Jeg har altankasser over spande. Men altså. Spande. Nu jeg tænker over det… Spande er vel større end altankasser.”

Thomas Martin: ”Det afhænger vel af størrelse på altanen.”

Steffen: ”True dat. Men så skærer jeg igennem og siger, at vi måler efter en gennemsnitlig altan i Danmark.”

Røde: ”Jamen så er jeg enig. Spande er større.”

Al den altankasse-snak havde gjort Østi urolig. Han vippede med fødderne. Sang med på musikken. Rejste sig flere gange. Kort sagt. Var mega irriterende.

Østi: ”Skal vi have en lille opkvikker senere? Jeg ved, at Turbo kommer i byen senere.”

Thomas Martin: ”Jeg kunne godt være klar på én lille én, Østi.”

Østi: ”Jeg skriver lige til Turbo.”

Steffen: ”Nå. Kort tid efter vi havde matchet, skrev hun ’hej’.”

Røde: ”Det er kun kvinder der kan komme afsted med en så banal åbner. Men godt at hun skrev først.”

Steffen: ”Ja, det er også min erfaring. Jeg returnerede hendes serv. Skrev noget med hvordan hendes aften gik.”

Røde: ”Hvad er det for en tendens, hvor kvinder rækker tunge og lukker det ene øje på deres billeder?”

Thomas Martin: ”Lol. Ved du ikke det? Det er fordi, de gerne vil have, at du skyder sæd i det åbne øje.”

Østi: ”Skål for helvede!”

Østi skråler med på Kim Larsens Fru Sauterne.

Steffen: ”Nå, men vi skrev frem og tilbage en 5-6 gange, inden at HUN bragte et møde på banen.”

Thomas Martin: ”Uha!”

Steffen: ”Klart! Jeg ville gerne mødes. Jeg foreslog at finde en dag i løbet af ugen. Det ville hun ikke. Hun ville mødes i aften. Hmm, tænkte jeg. Er det et godt tegn? Fuck det! Vi aftalte, at jeg kom hjem til hende. Så jeg vaskede pikken og spurgte, om jeg skulle have noget med. Vin? Chips? Snacks? Det skulle jeg… Et par minutter efter spurgte hun, om jeg ikke lige kunne købe noget mælk med. Mælk, tænkte jeg? Åhh ja. Hvid russer. Selvfølgelig.”

Røde: ”Den hvide. Right on, moafucker.”

Steffen: ”På vejen derover bippede telefonen flere gange. Jeg skulle købe lidt mere med fra Brugsen. Så ville hun lave lidt mad. Cool nok, tænkte jeg. Kunne godt spise.”

Thomas Martin: ”Hold kæft. Jeg håber fandeme, at du fik noget på den dumme med den dosmerseddel.”

Thomas Martin kastede en nød op i luften. Som landede lige i kæften på ham.

Steffen: ”Det kommer, Gamle. Nå. Jeg blev bippet op på 2. sal. Hvor hun stod der i døren og så dejlig ud. Men da jeg passerede døråbningen og stillede posen med mælk, kylling, grønsager og en mousserende vin var der ugler i mosen. Nærmere betegnet én ugle. ’Hej Steffen’ sagde den store bredskuldrede ugle. ’Mig og Klara beklager meget. Vi har sgu taget fusen på dig.’ forklarede Carsten – Clares, faktisk meget behagelige, kæreste.

Røde: ”Shiiiiit!!!”

Steffen: ”Jep. Some crazy ass shiit. Carsten forklarede, at Klara er Youtuber. Hun var i gang med at lave en video om, hvor nemt det var at få en Tinder-date til at handle ind til for sig.”

Thomas Martin: ”Sindssygt! Og så gik I ind ved siden af og bollede?”

Steffen: ”Nej. Carsten gad ikke. Så jeg tog hjem.”

Østi: ”Hahaha. Fuck en bitch.”

Steffen: ”Ja, hvad fanden skulle jeg gøre? Tager den som en oplevelse.”

Røde rejser sig og peger rundt på selskabet én efter én.

Røde: Nå, boys. Skal du ha’ fa’? Skal du ha’ fa’? Skal du ha’ fa’?

Lidt senere… Østi og Thomas Martin står i baren og kaster et par shots i hovedet.

Østi: ”For helvede, Gamle.”

Thomas Martin: ”Hva’ nu, Gamle?”

Østi smiler.

Østi: ”Jeg har en aftale senere, Gamle.”

Thomas Martin: ”Nice. Med hvem, Gamle?”

Østi: ”En kælling, Gamle. Men Øhh. Kan jeg ikke låne din lejlighed, gamle? Bare et par timer, gamle. Lone er derhjemme med den lille, gamle. Og det ka’ jeg ik’, gamle. For helve’de, gamle. Det ka’ du nok se. Gamle.”

Thomas Martin: ”Is på, Østi. Okay. Så må jeg finde en eller anden at sove hos. Så skal du fandeme også vaske sengetøjet. Men hvem er damen?”

Østi: Den liderlige kælling

Østi: ”Okay. Jeg var ude og buldre med Turbo, Kenneth, Knudsen og Chris P sidste uge.”

Thomas Martin: ”God start.”

Østi: ”Ja. Godt hold. Der. Vi havde fået så hatten passer inde på Pampas. Det hele kørte.”

Thomas Martin: ”Vent! Chris P? Ham der har lavet porno?”

Østi: ”Hold nu kæft. Han har ikke lavet porno.”

Thomas Martin: ”Jo, det tror jeg han har, gamle.”

Østi: ”Nå. Der. Jeg havde aftalt at mødes med én der hedder Trine. Men da hun kom over til bordet, tænkte jeg. Det kilder ikke de rigtige steder. Senere kom Trines veninde forbi. Maria. Det var straks andre boller på suppen, gamle. Lad mig sige det på den måde. Altankasserne var blevet vandet den aften. Hahaha.”

Østi holder begge hænder op foran sine bryster og laver skruebevægelse ud for hver brystvorte med langemanden og tommeltotten.

Østi: ”Hva’ gamle. Hva!”

Thomas Martin: ”Hold nu kæft, Østi.”

Østi: ”Der. Men så talte vi lidt sammen. Jeg kunne slet ikke holde øjnene fra de der patter. Der var kraftedeme mælk nok til at brødføde en mindre krademutlandsby. Øvhaa’. For helve’de, Gamle. Men hun smuttede faktisk ret hurtigt.”

Thomas Martin: ”Hvorfor?”

Østi: ”Det kommer. Hun skulle nok over og sutte pik på en anden fyr. Hahaha. Hvad ved jeg? Der. Men lad nu være med at afbryde mig. Så matcher jeg med hende på Tinder i går. Så skriver hun, at hun føler sig tiltrukket af mig. Der. Men hun ville ikke gøre noget den anden aften, da jeg var Trines date. Jeg forsikrede hende, at Trine var ude af billede. ’Godt’ skrev hun. Så ville hun gerne have samtalen over på snap’en.”

Thomas Martin: ”Uhh. Snap’en. Lummert.”

Østi: ”Hvad hun ønskede, skulle hun få. Hahaha. Først sendte hun et billede af sin seng med teksten ’jeg elsker nyvasket sengetøj’. Så vidste jeg godt, hvad klokken var slået. Hahaha. Så sender hun et billede af sig selv i undertøj. Bum bum bum. Altså, jeg siger det bare. Den gamle var klar. Herefter fulgte en strøm af liderlighed. Der var ikke et øje tørt, gamle. Hun sendte hele kataloget. Patter. Røv. Og jeg bladrede sgu løs. Hun skrev, hvad hun vil gøre ved min pik, og hvordan jeg skulle smadre hendes fisse. Alt muligt med at hun ville have den i nummergøjen og jeg skal komme efter dig.”

Thomas Martin: ”Uhh. Numero dos.”

Østi: ”Hvad? Så sendte hun sgu flere videoer, hvor hun stønnede mit navn.

Østi tager sin hånd ned til skridtet.

Østi: ’Åhh Klaus. Åhh Klaus. Tag mig!’ Ja, hun fik da også et billede eller tre af mit lem. Det manglede da bare. Hahaha.”

Østi puffer til Thomas Martin.

Thomas Martin: ”Vent lidt. Hov hov hov. Har du videoerne? Og Billederne?.”

Østi: ”Ja da. Og jeg har screenshots af hele lortet.”

Thomas Martin: ”Jamen hvad venter vi på… Hvis du skal låne min lejlighed senere, skal jeg se det hele. Og det skal være inden for et minut.”

Østi tøver ikke og rækker sin telefon over til Thomas Martin.

Østi: ”Men du kigger ikke på andet, gamle.”

Lidt efter…

Thomas Martin: ”Hold da kæft. Okay. Hun havde lyst til din pik. Og hun blev slet ikke sur over, at du tog screenshots?”

Østi: ”Øhh. Hun blev faktisk lidt sur her til morges, da hun fandt ud af det. Men jeg fik ’sweettalk’et’ hende efter frem og tilbage en time eller to.”

Thomas Martin: ”Jeg tog engang nogle screenshots på snap’en. Hende så jeg aldrig igen.”

Senere. Hjemme hos Thomas Martin

Maria bevæger sig rundt i lejligheden, mens Østi finder en flaske Sancerra 2018 frem fra Thomas Martins køleskab. At dømme på mimik og gestikulation er Maria imponeret over sammensætningerne og det dekorative ’finish’.

‘Er det for perfekt? tænker hun. Burde der ikke stå bare lidt opvask tilbage?

Maria: ”Så du lejer lejligheden?”

Østi: ”Ja, øhh. Jeg er mellem lejligheder for tiden. Så jeg lejer lige denne her et par måneder. Tag et glas.”

Østi sætter noget musik på, mens Maria kryber ned ved siden af Østi i hjørnesofaen. Hun kører langsomt sin hånd hen over Østi’s bukser, indtil hun når penis. Som hun tager et fast greb om. Maria kigger op på Østi.

Maria: ”Klaus. Vil du ikke nok slette de billeder? Og videoer?”

Østi kigger ned på Maria.

Østi: ”Jo, hvis du fortsætter med det du har gang i.”

Maria fjerner hånden fra Østi’s skridt.

Maria: ”Jeg gør ikke noget, før du har slettet de billeder. Det var aftalen. Og jeg skal se, at du gør det.”

Østi tager sin telefon frem.

Østi: ”Okay. Så sletter jeg dem. Men først… Slik på min finger. Som slikkede du på min pik.”

Maria: ”Mener du det? Hvad fanden er det for noget? Jeg gider ikke slikke på din finger.”

Maria rejser sig.

Maria: ”Ved du hvad? Det gider jeg ikke, det her, Klaus. Du er simpelthen for mærkelig. Først tager du screenshots uden at få lov. Og nu det her. Du er da ikke en rigtig mand.”

Østi springer op af hjørnesofaen. Og griber hårdt og hurtigt fast i Marias arm. Hans øjne gløder.

Maria: ”Hvad vil du, din svans!? Slip mig! Fuck dig, din psykopat! Slet de billeder nu. Ellers ringer jeg til politiet.”

Østi tøver…

Østi: ”Hvad fanden vil du gøre? Det er mine billeder nu. Og jeg sender dem til alle du kender, hvis du ikke holder din kæft.”

Maria råber Østi direkte ind i ansigtet.

Maria: ”Okay, din idiot. Fuck dig. Behold billederne. Gør hvad du vil med dem.”

Østi: ”Jeg sender dem til dine forældre.”

Maria: ”Jeg er da ligeglad. Det er 2020! Folk er sgu da ligeglade med nøgenbilleder, din fucking idiot. Prøv at se dig selv. Selvom du er så gammel, er du ikke engang en rigtig mand. Du kan ikke en skid!”

Ca. 25 sekunder senere…

Maria: ”Hvor er jeg?”

Maria aner fragmenter af lampen i loftet. Hun hører kun sin dybe vejrtrækning. Men det hele dunker inde i hende. En skikkelse bøjer sig ned. Noget koldt rammer hendes venstre kind.

Østi: ”Undskyld! Undskyld! Undskyld!”

Østi ligger på knæ foran hende. Han ryster i hele kroppen.

Østi: ”Prøv at hør her. Jeg er virkelig ked af det. Jeg sletter billederne. Og videoerne. Det hele.”

Laangsomt kommer Maria på benene.

Østi: ”Er du okay? Jeg ville ikke… Det var ikke meningen… Jeg ville bare lige markere.”

Maria tager fat i hånden på Østi og fører ham ind i soveværelset. Hun klæder sig nøgen, ligger sig i sengen på alle fire med bagdelen mod Østi og strækker sit højre ben helt ud.

Maria: ”Jeg vil have, at du kvæler mig. Men hvis jeg giver dette signal, skal du stoppe.”

En chokeret Østi kigger på Maria. Han har ikke noget valg.

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