Samos Stories, Underholdning

Steffen Hansen – 7 dage tilbage

10 minutter. I 10 minutter stirrer jeg bare ind i skærmen. Rejser mig. Vandrer frem og tilbage på mine 54 kvadratmeter. Klarer jeg den her?

Hov! Min Spotify-konto? For helvede. Hvornår trækker de næste gang?

Fuck. De trækker den 29.

Follow these simple steps.

  1. Log in to your account page.
  2. Under Your plan, click CHANGE PLAN.
  3. Scroll to Spotify Free and click CANCEL PREMIUM.
  4. Continue through to the confirmation message.

Hvor mange dage er der til? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6…

7 dage tilbage (275 kr.) – Mandag aften

Jeg kan ikke fokusere på at skrive noget nu. Gennemroder alle skuffer. Lejligheden er tom. Bortset fra opvasken på køkkenbordet, sokkerne og underbukserne på gulvet samt skægstubbene i vasken.

Nå. Hvad har vi her? Min gamle iPhone. Kan jeg få noget for den? Sikkert ikke. Glasset er smadret. Batteriet fra Apple.

Tænk!? Med et smil på læben har jeg ladet mig penetrere så kontinuerligt i alle disse år. Godt at jeg investerede i den Motorola.

Jeg rejser mig igen fra den flossede kontorstol. Fodsåler min lille bold frem fra en af lejlighedens mange tekstilbuske. Jonglerer lidt med den. Får den ned på græsset.

Lad os nu holde den nede på græsset, gamle.” Hehe.

Spiller den frem og tilbage et par gange mod den nærmeste væg. Venstre. Højre. Venstre. Højre. Venstre. Højre. Dribler uden om et par underbukser. Forbi en sok. Tager et langt træk og glider forbi dennes brother from another mother. Spiller det kloge dobbeltpass med ovnen. Modtager den og laver en fiks lille vending bag om standbenet. Kigger op.

I dét jeg afslutter sikkert i det lange hjørne af den ene skabsdør råber jeg.

Zizou! Zizou! Zizou’uuu.” Hehe.

Vender retur til computeren. Kaster benene op på skrivebordet. Læner mig lidt tilbage i sædet som var jeg en af de store tænkere. Hmm? Hvad med den B&O-højtaler jeg fik af Budweg til jul? Hvad koster den fra ny?

1.400 kr. åbenbart. Den må jeg da kunne få 800 kr. for!? Motorola’en tager et par hurtige skud af højtaleren, hvorefter jeg laver et opslag på Den Blå Avis. Sætter den til 1.200 kr. Neeej, sætter den sgu til klik’et.

Eller 999 kr.? Ej, okay. Jeg er ikke en idiot. Bare et rent klik.

Åbner køleskabet. Hmm? Tænker at de syltede agurker leger bedst med selskab. Kører i Netto. Køber brød, smør, saltstænger, en halv liter hindbærbrus og en halv liter ananassodavand.

På vej op af trapperne i min opgang får jeg øje på en pose flasker. Der er mindst for 50 kr. der.

Nej. Det gør du ikke, Steffen.

Da jeg lukker døren til min lejlighed, er min første handling hverken at smide sommerjakken, høretelefoner eller sko. Ananassodavanden skal mindst ha’ tre kvarter i fryseren. Den skal ind med det samme.

Hvad er det for nogle mennesker der ikke køler deres sodavand før indtagelse? Det er mennesker jeg ikke stoler på.

Mit timelange egotrip forstyrres nu af udefrakommende frekvenser i form af en vibrerende Motorola. Jeg kigger på den et par minutter senere. Fuck mand. Jeg skal jo over til Østi på onsdag. Det havde jeg glemt.

Med de optimistiske briller trukket godt ned i synsfeltet tjekker jeg Den Blå. Ingen respons. Skal jeg virkelig låne af de gamle igen?

Nej.
Ja?
Neeej…
Nej.

En time efter frysedåben er den halve liter ananas reduceret til pant. Saltstængerne spist. Jeg bøvser og skuler ud over gulvbrædderne. Mine underbukser og sokker ligner ikke længere sagesløse forsvarsspillere men derimod det de er – underbukser og sokker.

6 dage tilbage (231 kr.) – Tirsdag

Jeg kigger på min telefon
Jeg kigger på min konto
Får jeg mon fisse i aften?

Fordi jeg…

Kigger på min telefon
Kigger på min konto
Fizz i aften?

Fordi jaaaaaah tænker ikke på andet end

Telefon
Konto
Fizz?
Telefon
Konto
Fizz?
Telefon
Konto
Fizz?

(Tryk på play! Kom nu bare. Tryyyyyyyyyyk!)


Spejlet – helt derinde mellem grafittistregerne – kigger mig dybt i øjnene. Daten går jo godt, gamle. Der må være noget at hente. Nu skal du bare eksekvere. Vente på det rette tidspunkt. Slå til.

Jeg pisser lige en gang.

Fire timer tidligere

Skulle jeg aflyse? Jeg burde. Hun så da meget sød ud på billederne.

Men altså. Skulle jeg så bare sidde der i min lejlighed og læse tråde på internettet? Neej, du. Jeg havde godt af at komme ud. Møde nogle mennesker. Skabe relationer.

Havde jeg ikke nogle kontanter et eller andet sted? Kiggede i de samme skuffer. Under sengen. Intet. Kiggede ude i opgangen. Hmm?

Nej, det gør du ikke, Steffen.

Hva’ med…? Hva’ med…? I mit kælderrum fandt jeg en 50-euroseddel i min gamle vekslepung. Den havde jeg ikke set i 15 år.

(231 kr. + 50 €)

Vi startede aftenen på en bænk i et grønt område, hvor der var højt til loftet og plads til at hun kunne grine af mine jokes. Havde investeret i en flaske vin. Rosé. Det havde hun heldigvis også. Hvid. Snakken gik. Hun var måske ikke i tip top form. Men altså. Snakken gik godt.

Tilbage til nu

Jeg bevæger mig fra pisrenden ind i selve beværtningen. Med hoftevred og tilkendegivende blikke dribler jeg forbi alverdens dinglende interiør samt et svedigt menneskehav, hvis udklædninger befinder sig et forvirret sted mellem dyre, billige bæltetasker og de der skrigende GlamCore’ske farveroulader i garnet.

Hov. Dér til højre prøver en gammel tennisketcher at slice’ mit ene øre. Hva’ fanden laver den her? Til venstre stikker spidsen af en… Ja, hvad er det? Det ligner en minifiskekutter – mig i røven. Cool nok. Egentlig. Eller er dét det? Har ikke tid til at fælde en retvisende dom.

Endelig er jeg fremme ved bordet. Hvor mit lille henrivende stævnemøde sidder og smiler sig klar til et slag Kalaha – et spil jeg har tænkt mig at bolle hende i.

Hov. Jeg glemte at svinge Debit Mastercard’et på bekostning af to Fa’øls. Det gør jeg så – lettere paranoid – og eskorterer dernæst stift nummer ét og to til bords.

En time senere

Vi er begyndt at kysse. Det er som sådan fint nok. Men hvis hun ikke snart griber dybt i det hun sikkert vil kalde en pung, står den meget snart på vand, brød og tør, tør fissesaft.

Min 50 euro-seddel er allerede slået i tusind stykker via et par omgange Rom&Coke samt en pakke klamme, ulækre, harske Røde Prince. Orkede virkelig ikke at gå de 500 meter til 7-Elleven for at hente det foretrukne mærke, her på bagkant af click-cigaretternes danske død – Pall Mall Flow Experience.

Pall. Mall. Flow. Experience.

Jeg skal ha’ en pakke Pall Mall Flow Experience.”

Da hverken jeg eller de mange ekspedienter, jeg har mødt på min tobaksfærd, ønsker at belemre vores tunger med et så latterligt konstrueret brandnavn som Pall Mall Flow Experience, er jeg allerede bagud med ca. 2,3 procent af den planlagte ødelæggelse af min venstre lunge. Derfor skal der lyde et “tak” fra min mor til Pall Malls marketingteam.

Grøn Cecil.

Jeg skal bare ha’ en pakke Grønne Cecil”.

Bum.

Lang eller kort?” spørger hun så bag disken.

Kort, tak.”

Lang? Det er for bøsser. ”

5 dage tilbage (65 kr.) – Onsdag

Kl. 6.45 vågner jeg ved at en mand står og hælder grus direkte ned i halsen på mig.

Det bliver han ved med.

Indtil jeg fægter ham væk med en halv liter Hindbærbrus. Men manden fortsætter sgu. Jeg må have noget tørt. Straks. To semiblødkogte æg på rugbrød med rigeligt smør under sender manden tilbage til Sahara.

En time senere

I en afsidesliggende krog af Budweg kigger jeg på min telefon. Kigger på min konto. Jeg overlevede. Sådan nogenlunde.

Hov, hvad er det? Den Blå Avis har bud efter mig. En mandsperson har budt 200 kr. på højtaleren. Jeg kunne godt tænke mig at hælde grus direkte ned i kræften på ham. Herefter ville mit foretrukne “træk” så være at tømme mig ned i ham.

Senere efter træning i Casa del Østi

Østi har sendt konen og barnet til svigermekanikken i Jylland. Praise the lord! Sådan lød formuleringen på tekstbesked. Nå. Men. CL-bold på skærmen. Kolde øl. Chips. Og hjemmelavede pizzaer. De var så ikke så gode. De var faktisk lort.

Mens Brian Laudrup sender endnu en nådesløs banalitet i mellemgulvet på Peter Grønborg, kommer Thomas Martin med et relevant spørgsmål.

Hvordan gik din date i går?

Øhh. Den gik godt.

Østi løfter snuden fra sofabordet. Kigger op. ”Fik du fisse, eller hva’? Gamle? Jeg er ikke interesseret i at vide andet. Gider ikke alle dine lortehistorier.

Jeg kigger på ham. ”Haha. Negativ. Men tror, at den er i banken. Har en aftale med hende i morgen.

Thomas Martin er stadig interesseret. ”Nice. Hvordan ser hun ud?

Skal jeg vise hendes profilbilleder? Nej.

Hmm. Det er okay.

I pausen af Champions League-kampen zapper Østi forbi TV2 News og udbryder efter ét minuts penge.

De perkere stjæler med arme og ben.”

Mens jeg er på toilet, fortsætter han i et stadig stødt tempo og gnider tilfreds håndfladerne sammen 3-4 gange. ”Send dem hjem. Alle sammen. Engangsbilletten, gamle.”

Der. Eller så hug hånden af dem, når de stjæler. Det gør de da dernede. I de der hulabula-lande de kommer fra.

Thomas Martin kigger på Østi. ”Så du vil hugge hånden af to 15-årige flygtninge, fordi de har stjålet en culottesteg eller en Snickers? Det er måske lige drastisk nok.

Jeg lander på sofaen igen.

Det kan du bande på, at jeg vil, Ven. Hvis vi nu sender alle sammen hjem. Der. Så ville der ikke være nogle problemer.”

Jeg investerer i debatten. ”Østi. Hvis det skete, ville der opstå større problemer. Hvem skal så have skylden? Danskerne? Lol.

Hvad er det for noget vås, Steff. Læs selv hvad BT skriver.” Østi rækker sin telefon over mod mig.

Jeg gider da ikke læse hvad BT skriver. Er du vanvittig eller hvad? Din idiot.”

Kigger på Østi. Tøver et par sekunder. “Det skulle da lige være for at se på nogle patter.” Jeg gestikulerer. “Så gi’ mig den da.

Østi løfter sin øl. “Haha. Skål, Gamle. Det bliver vi ikke enige om.

Thomas Martin bidrager med et input. “Hansen. Kig på Instagram, hvis du vil se patter, Gamle. Når du først har søgt på ét sæt patter derinde, er algoritmen din ven.

Interessant.

Efter kampen spørger Thomas Martin om jeg ik’ lige skal med ud og ha’ en Gewesen eller to. Han gider ikke fucking Østi alene, lyder salgstalen.

Fuck. Jeg forsøger at afvige den.

Jeg er for smadret efter i går, T-Dogg.”

Thomas Martin kigger på mig.

For smadret! Du er aldrig for smadret. Og det er du heller ikke nu.”

Han fortsætter.

Se. Der findes to slags mennesker her på jorden. Dem der altid vil drikke sig fuld. Og dem der aldrig vil drikke sig fuld.

Indlagt kunstpause.

Dem der altid vil drikke sig fuld, vil altid ud. De vil altid videre. Ligemeget om de har dame på, ikke har dame på, er gift eller har en vigtigt morgenmøde. Og når de vågner, vil de gøre det hele om igen.

Østi tager en bane kokain mere, mens Thomas taler sig varm.

Så er der dem der aldrig vil drikke. Det er en sur pligt for dem. Som at tømme lokum i en campingvogn. Selv hvis de vinder i Lotto. Selv hvis de sidder i omklædningsrummet lørdag efter en sejr. Selv når de spiser de Cote de boeuf på en fortovscafe i den parisiske majsol. De vil bare gerne blandselvslik.

Du er ikke blandselvslik, Steff. Du er ham den anden. Ham der vælter rundt. Så du skal ikke komme her og fortælle mig, at du ikke kan drikke en øl med mig og Østi.

Oven på den fremlægning må jeg kapitulere. Vi drikker tre øl, inden jeg smider arbejd-i-morgen-kortet. Thomas Martin godtager dog først min afsked, da argumentet lyder på, at jeg ikke gider at høre på Østi mere.

4 dage tilbage (15 kr.) – Torsdag

Fuck, gamle. Jeg mistede sgu mit kort i går…

Står der skrevet på Motorola’en. Jeg sidder på Budwegs lokum og får tiden til at gå. Modtageren er Thomas Martin. Sletter det igen.

Ny app. Videre. Ny app. Videre.

Der er ikke nogen der har svaret på Den Blå. Cunts. Sætter den ned til 700 kr.

Jeg googler “måder at tjene penge på“. Finder artiklen “6 glimrende måder at tjene hurtige penge på“. “Glimrende” ligefrem. Lad os se på det.

Måde 1) Jeg kan selvfølgelig sælge min sæd til højestbydende. Den mulighed er ikke på listen – ikke desto mindre top-of-mind.
Måde 2) Luft hunden og tjen penge. Okay. Det kræver, at jeg finder en hund, hvis ejer jeg ikke kender. Skulle jeg opsøge en hundeejer jeg kender? “Lad mig gå med din hund. Og giv mig penge for det.” Nej.
Måde 3) Hjælpsomt barnebarn. Dels er alle mine bedsteforældre døde. Dels er det direkte amoralsk at tage penge for at hjælpe mennesker der har hjulpet mig hele livet.
Måde 4) Babysit for folk i din omgangskreds. Jeg er en skaldet mand over 18. Den går ikke. Kan kun babysitte for min familie – en service jeg, jf. mulighed 3), ikke tager penge for.
Måde 5) Sælg dine ting online. Er igang, gamle.
Måde 6) Book en stand på loppemarked. Lol.
Måde 7) Lektiehjælp. Hmm. Tjaa. Det er sikkert nemt. Jeg kunne også sælge ud af mine livserfaringer? En lektion i økonomi, mons tro.

Nok udenoms-gøgl. Jeg kan ikke sidder herude for evigt. Send den besked, din idiot. Få det overstået.

Over i besked-app’en. Tager en dyb indåndning. Gør det nu bare. Få det nu overstået.

Hej Gamle. Fuck, jeg mistede mit kort i går på vejen hjem. Kan jeg ikke låne 500 kr.? Bare til på mandag. Jeg har jo den der date med hende fra den anden dag.

Et par minutter efter ryster Motorola’en mig i min grundvold. Nu kommer dommen. Ellers må jeg til plan C.

Fucking cunt! Delete. Delete.” Det var en eller andet luderbot på Facebook. Hun bor lige i nærheden. Vil bolle. Og ha’ at jeg trykker på hende. “Jeg vil overveje den.” skriver jeg retur.

Da mobilen vibrerer tre minutter senere, hiver jeg den op af lommen i Billy The Kid-tempo. Lettelsens endorfiner rammer min krop som en dum dum-kugle, da der tikker 500 guldklumper ind fra TM med beskeden.

Selvfølgelig, gamle.

Jeg ridder ind forbi Føtex på vej hjem fra Budweg. Før jeg går ind, kigger jeg på min telefon. På min konto. Den er god nok. De 500 kr. er overført.

(514 kr.)

Køber ind til Lasagne. Min lejlighed er selvfølgelig tømt for basisvarer. Så jeg skal have løg, gulerødder, hvidløg, flåede tomater, tomatpasta, fløde, rødvin, hvidvin, øl, cava. Snacks. Cigaretter. Jeg skal helt sikkert have cigaretter.

Da jeg ser hende der på trappen, er hun ikke så lækker som jeg husker hende. Faktisk grimmere end jeg husker hende.

Men fuck det. Jeg har lavet mad. Jeg har alkohol. Cigaretter. Lavet en god liste på Spotify. Sågar fundet et gammelt spil kort frem fra gemmerne.

Jeg åbner en flaske hvidvin der har ligget på køl i fryseren de sidste tre kvarter.

Tag nogle chips” siger jeg og byder hende velkommen i sofaen.

Syv timer senere er vi færdige med lasagne, vin, snacks, sex og røvhul. Jeg kigger op i loftet, mens hun spørger mig om et eller andet.

3 dage tilbage (10 + 6 kr.) – Fredag

Klokken 14 minutter i lukketid står jeg foran Lidl. Kigger på min konto. En ekstra gang.

Ved flaskeautomaten omsætter jeg gårsdagens tomme flasker. 6 kr. spytter den ud.

Jeg går lidt rundt i butikken. Op og ned af gangene. Der er kun en anden kunde og to medarbejdere til stede – så vidt jeg har snust mig frem til. Jeg orienterer mig. Jeg har lidt ris derhjemme. Cookies til 12 kr. Så er desserten sikret. Jeg kan også købe en pakke bacon? En halvanden liter Pepsi Max til 22 kr. er ganske enkelt en hvid sandstrand i Thailand lige nu.

Jeg putter bacon op i kurven. Lister hen forbi køledisken. Et par gange. Frem og tilbage. Holder vagt til højre og venstre. Flere gange. Lyner min rygsæk op. Holder fast i toppen af den. Griber fat i en culottesteg og lægger den snildt ned i tasken.

Mit hjerte ryster hele min krop igennem, som stod det på kogevask, da Lidl-medarbejderen siger ”hej” og kører bacon-pakken igennem.

Det bliver 12 kr.” siger hun.

Jeg har lige den her bon. Resten tager jeg på kortet.” annoncerer jeg ydmygt – lavmælt.

Okay. Så bliver det 6 kr.

Dankortautomaten siger godkendt. Tak. Jeg pakker baconen i rygsækken med stor forsigtighed og forlader kassen.

I det sekund min hjerne registrerer udgangens laserstråler, begynder alarmen for fulde drøn.

DUDU! DUDU! DUDU! DUDU! DUDU!

Jeg sætter instinktivt i sprint. Og mærker et tjept sus passere mig. Det er mit hjerte der er allerede nu er løbet langt i forvejen. Drejer til venstre i første sving. Løber lige ud i ti sekunder. Finder en lille sti til højre og løber ud af den. Kigger mig ikke tilbage. Kun fremad.

Efter 8 minutter kigger jeg tilbage. Jeg kan hverken høre eller se nogen.

Det tager mig 30 minutter at liste de 2 kilometer hjem.

I 45 minutter kan jeg ikke få mig selv til at lave stegen. Jeg er kriminel. Jeg er faktisk kriminel nu. Fordi jeg er en idiot.

Ved midnat er min mave faldet til ro. Jeg tilbereder stegen. Og lidt ris. Spiser. Ryger min tredjesidste cigaret. Går i seng med HBO.

2 dag tilbage (4 kr.) – Lørdag

Får steg til morgenmad. Med ris. Og de tilbageværende gulerødder fra Føtex. Gemmer noget til senere.

På den Blå Avis er der en der har budt 250 kr. Sig mig. Kender de mig? Jeg skriver 500 kr. med den betingelse at jeg kan få pengene I DAG.

Jeg vandrer rundt i lejligheden. Spiller bold op af væggen.

Har de egentlig overvågningskamera i Lidl?

Ser Captain Phillips på Netflix. En gruppe somaliske pirater kaprer Tom Hanks’ skib. Udmærket film.

De MÅ have overvågning i Lidl. Fuck det. De kommer ikke efter mig. De har bedre ting at tage sig til end at fange en steg-tyv.

Går en lang tur. Hører podcast. Og Magical Mystery Tour. Så undervurderet.

Hvad med alle de der sager man hører om? Hvor folk bare går ind og stjæler i supermarkeder. Der gør de ikke noget ved det. Så gør de heller ikke noget ved mig.

Tag dig nu sammen. Glem at det er sket.

Ser en ny serie på HBO. 4 Blocks. Tysk. Vi følger en libanesisk gangsterbande i Neukölln, Berlin. Fed nok.

Føler mig knap så kriminel inden jeg falder i søvn. Men endnu dummere.

1 dag tilbage (4 kr.) – Søndag

Jeg befinder mig i en lille sort træhytte. Falder på knæ.

Okay… Hrmm…

Okay… Hrmm…

Okay… Hrmm…

Hvis I synes, at det der, den anden dag, med Lidl er slemt. For helvede… Jeg har det elendigt med at fortælle det her.

Østi havde en stor bunke kontanter liggende på sit natbord i onsdags. Da jeg var på toilettet, fik jeg øje på dem. De lå i en stor uorganiseret bunke. Der var åbenbart 20.000 kr. Jeg tog 200 kr.

Nu står han foran mig og spørger om jeg har taget dem. Først nægter jeg mig skyldig. Men kort tid efter kan jeg ikke mere. Min hoved er ved at eksplodere. Klumpen i halsen springer i luften og udvikler sig til gråd i løbet af få sekunder.

Jeg bryder sammen.

Jeg var… Jeg var… Desperat… Undskyld.” får jeg stammet.

Østi’s aggressive mine har forvandlet sig til sorgmod. Han tager fat om min skulder. “Det er i orden. Jeg forstår. Skal du låne?

Nej tak. Og tak. Får løn i morgen.

Jeg går hjem. Hader mig selv.

0 dage tilbage (16.383 kr.) – Mandag

Husleje.
Regninger.
Afdrag.

29 dage tilbage (4.560 kr.) – Tirsdag

391 Comments

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  342. It is indeed my belief that mesothelioma can be the most deadly cancer. It’s got unusual characteristics. The more I actually look at it the greater I am certain it does not behave like a real solid flesh cancer. In the event mesothelioma is really a rogue viral infection, hence there is the chance for developing a vaccine as well as offering vaccination for asbestos subjected people who are open to high risk regarding developing long term asbestos associated malignancies. Thanks for revealing your ideas on this important ailment.

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  357. Thanks for sharing your ideas here. The other point is that when a problem occurs with a pc motherboard, people should not have some risk of repairing this themselves for if it is not done correctly it can lead to irreparable damage to the complete laptop. It is usually safe to approach a dealer of that laptop for your repair of that motherboard. They have technicians who have an know-how in dealing with laptop computer motherboard issues and can make right analysis and accomplish repairs.

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